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Thursday, 16 June 2011

The Rapture - Part Deux

The first thing that I do virtually every morning is check what is going on in the world.
I normally start with the BBC's news website and cherry pick the issues that I'm interested in.
Then I jump from site to site getting alternative views on what the BBC is reporting on.
After that I usually return to the BBC and click on their entertainment news section and see who is doing what.
Normally it is a step above the usual tabloid crap about what is going to be aired on the next z-list celebrity's reality television show, but occasionally the subject matter can be dragged down as they try and get with da kids and report on some populist crap.
This morning it was about the d├ębut single from Cher Lloyd, being leaked.
People here in the UK will remember her as the contestant on the x-factor.
The one who looked like a Cheryl Cole mini-me.
Well that was the charitable take on her appearance.
I thought she looked more like a crack addled teenager newly recovered from a drug induced stroke dressed by Gok Wan in the dark with cast off clothing from the small fella in that N'Dubz band.
If none of that rings a bell. Then she was also the one who rapped at people like a hoodie on street corner telling you to hand over your fuckin mobile or the English language gets it.
To get back to the point.
Her single has been leaked.
It's called 'Swagger Jagger' and it is as bad as you could imagine it to be.
Here it is here,, but I don't want any fallout over posting this.
It's a rip off of 'Little Donkey' that's been buried under the biggest load of tripe that has been foisted on the public since......well since the last thing that Simon Cowell foisted on us.
I've always considered that people have the right to make an arse of themselves by buying crap like this, but I want to make an exception now.
For the good of the nation this cannot be allowed to be released.
Listening to this destroys braincells.
Think of the Children. THINK OF THE CHILDREN.
This is the noise of a talent vacuum masquerading as entertainment.
Cher Lloyd is allegedly gutted at the outpourings of derision on twitter and such, but what did she really expect?
What did Simon tell her to expect?
I can just imagine him sitting there on his plush leather chair, stroking Sinitta as she purrs on his lap while arranging for Olly Murs to play at Gaddafi's fourth annual Libyan ska-pop fest, when he gets word through that Cher Lloyd is on the line.
Cher - Hi Simon its Cher here, Cher Lloyd innit.
Simon - Hello Cher.
Cher - I was just t'inking.......
Simon - Don't do that dear. We don't want you hurting yourself.
Cher - Wht? U takin' t piss, coz if you iz then I iz gonna go rampage on u.
Simon - What?
Cher - U dnt wanna fck wit me.
Simon - I'm sorry, but we have spoken about this. If you are going to talk in text speak I will have to get a translator in. What is it you want?
Cher - It's my single innit. What's the deal.
Simon - Oh it's done.
Cher - I didn't do no single.
Simon - No. You don't understand. We don't need you to do the single. We just need you to pose for some pictures, learn how to lip sync to it and...well that's about it.
Cher - Will people not notice?
Simon - No. We do it all the time. Look at Cheryl Cole. She's made out of rubber and no one has noticed yet.
Well there was that time that Ashley said in the press about her being unresponsive during love making, but that skipped by unnoticed.
Cher - So no comeback. I just sit back and count the cash.
Simon - That's a good girl. It's called Swagger Jagger by the way.
Cher - Oh what's it about?
Simon - Eh. I'll have to get back to you on that.
Now here we are and the release of the single is looking like the harbinger of The Rapture - Part Deux.
This must be the real end of the world.
A prime example of us all having run out of any genuinely original ideas.
I think I need a cup of tea and a rest in a darkened room to prepare myself for this going on heavy rotation.


  1. I really am not going to listen to it. You've taken the pain for all of us & I'll take your word for it.

  2. Just wait til Ginger's new album. Balanced restored an' a' that.