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Wednesday, 12 December 2012


It's the end of the world....again, but it's not.
So maybe it will be the 21st after all, or the day after. Who knows.
The end of the world is a bit like a package that has got lost in the post.
It's missed its estimated time of arrival more than once, but people keep having faith that it will come.
It will, it has to, but like the parcel that turns up just as you lower your backside into a bath it will be at the most unexpected time.
If you could call people through time then maybe we could get a party line going with the Mayans, Nostradamus and Mother Shipton and ask for some clarification.
Then again maybe Cameron and his best bud Clegg will have a fair idea as they seem to be implementing policies that will lead to society crumbling.
They might even have a timetable that is up on the 'net as a pdf.
If we find out that he has booked a flight to the moon through Branson then expect the end of the world to be the day after his departure date.
I wonder how many people didn't buy any Christmas presents for their family thinking it would be a waste of time and cash and are now looking at the bare space below the tree and praying that everything goes tits up on the 21st as they have now missed the liquidation sale that Comet had.
Comet closing.
Wait a minute.
I can feel another conspiracy coming on.
I mean what are the chances of an electrical outlet called Comet closing up shop around the time that a real comet is allegedly going to hit the earth.
That can't just be a coincidence.
I see North Korea has been firing a rocket into space.
Everyone is cacking their pants in case they have nuclear capabilities, but maybe they are just getting the jump on colonizing the moon.
That will piss off the yanks.
The choice between embracing the Rapture and continuing life in a communist regime is no choice at all.
It's a frying pan to the fire scenario that will make their heads explode.
Richard Branson will no doubt have evacuated his family out to his little island just in case.
Once the Comet hits that's only going to give him a few hours more than the rest of us though as once that tsunami gets rolling his island is going to drop below sea level pretty damn quick.
Probably just enough time for him to press a button and have a waterproof dome slide over his paradise in the sun.
He will end up like the squirrel in spongebob squarepants.
David Beckham will have no doubt blagged his way onto the helicopter to the island to.
Can you imagine it. Branson, Beckham, Bieber and that lot - just the rich folk whose surname starts with a B obviously - sitting around in their underwater dome waiting for the water levels to go down.
It would be like Dantes version of Big Brother.
They would have to play daft parlour games just to pass the time.
I spy with my little eye something beginning with F.
It's a fish isn't it?
Or how about trying to pin a smile on Victorias face.
Now there a television show that everyone would watch if there was anyone left.
Maybe we should get Derren Brown to fake the scenario anyway.
Let them all out 6 months down the line.
Oh how they would laugh.
Roll on the 21st though. I've still not bought any fuckin' presents and I'm hoping I don't have to.

Unimaginative video reference below, but street cred points secured as it name checks Lenny Bruce.

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