Search This Blog

Saturday, 25 August 2012

The forgotten victims.

Over the years I have worked and socialized with what must be literally thousands of people.
The vast majority are what we would all label as normal.
Whatever normal actually is.
They have their good days and their bad days.
We all do.
We all deal with these highs and lows in life in different ways, but in general we all muddle through.
Just get from one day to the next as best we can.
Thankfully, as I have said, this has been my experience of the majority.

Sadly there are a minority of people who struggle at times, and because they are struggling they make the lives of those around them difficult.
Sometimes we can deal with it as long as there's a time frame to it.
It's easier to let their unhappiness wash over you when there's that light at the end of the tunnel.
Other times there's no light ahead and their bad days are relentless.
It's a horrible existence for them.
On paper, and in conversation, it is easy to say that these individuals need some help and we should exercise some empathy and patience.
It's true. We should.
That of course is easier said than done though.
Right now I know someone who is receiving multiple telephone calls on a daily basis from an individual who is very obviously unwell.
While this woman that I know has never given me the impression that she lacks empathy, it is apparent that she is creeping ever closer to the end of her tether with the situation.
I don't mean that she is going over the edge herself.
Just that the strain is never ending and she must just wish for it to stop.
There's been unsubstantiated allegations made about her, her business and more.
The police have been called and the matter is now in their hands as far as I can tell.
I sincerely doubt that the woman who is being harassed wished to involve the police, but her options were limited so what could she really do?

Another friend is on the receiving end of some unwanted attention from a man she knows.
No matter how often she has clearly stated that a relationship is not what she wants, and no matter how often others have told this man the same on her behalf, it isn't managing to sink in.
It's entirely possible that the police will have to be involved in this if it continues as it seems likely to.
Now once again we could rationalize this persons behaviour, and even have a degree of sympathy for him, but we aren't the ones on the receiving end of his inappropriate displays of affection, or threats of self harm if he doesn't get the attention he considers he deserves.
If we were, then can we honestly claim our cups would be runneth over with sympathy for him?

Then there's the people who can never maintain relationships with people.
I've seen two examples of that lately.
One was from a person who is a musician.
They have had many many projects on the go, and every single one ends acrimoniously with threats being issued.
Every single band member that they have worked with are touted as the best musician they have ever been professionally involved with.
Then a few weeks later they are the back stabbing spawn of Satan.
Now when it happens once then fine, when it happens twice it's less so fine.
When it happens three times, four times, every time.
What then?
After a while who is the common thread?
Who is it that really has the problem?
Then when you accept that it is the individual, and not everyone that surrounds them, you have to think about the truly awful things that have been alleged about all these ex band members and how much stress these broadsides have elicited.
It seems obvious to me that the people who the finger of blame is being pointed at are also victims in this case.
Of course we should expect that support should be provided, but who to?
It seems that the person who has the difficulty working with others needs support, but should those who have been on the receiving end of their threats and abuse be left unsupported?

Similarly there's someone else I know who displays the same sort of issues.
It's never ever their fault.
Everyone is against them and Machiavellian plots surround them.
Of course no one is actually out to get the person at all.
Most people are mature enough to make it clear that while they may well have an issue with certain actions and behaviour, that this is as far as it goes.
Sort of a hate the sin and not the sinner situation.
Yet from my point of view this individual regularly fails to accept that there may be some truth to the accusation or allegation of wrongdoing, and they would rather lash out and claim that others are conspiring their downfall than entertain that they themselves could be the problem.
Unfortunately there are some who I would say misguidedly support those who are reluctant to accept responsibility for the actions they put in motion, and these people then sort of allow the negativity that harms everyone involved to continue.
They extend the misery and put a mutually beneficial solution outwith the reach of everyone whose lives are impacted by what is going on.
It's all very dramatic isn't it?
Most of us are aware that very few people have the time or inclination to plot another persons downfall.
This is real life and not a Hollywood script.
No one should be supporting anyone in believing that they are being plotted against. 

So while I would strongly advocate that anyone who has some issues should be supported.
I would add that maybe we should try hard not to pander to their issues and therefore inflame situations.
We should also at the same time reserves some empathy for the people who are often being worn down by the unwanted attention from those who are clearly having a difficult time dealing with their own lives.
After all they could be described as the collateral damage of an internal conflict inside the head of another.
Are we really giving them the support they deserve?


  1. True. Very true.
    I've had a few messages privately about this blog update.

    Virtually all thanking me for drawing attention to how difficult it is to be at the mercy of someone who is unwell.
    All the sympathy, empathy, and attempts to understand and help are directed at the person who is unwell.
    Even if they don't perceive themselves to be unwell.
    Yet those who have been psychologically battered by the negative lashing out of the person are left to feel guilty if they complain, or even stand up for themselves.

    It's akin to how someone can be the victim of an assault.
    Once the perpetrator is caught society expends effort to get to the root of why the individual committed the crime, then they expend more effort rehabilitating them, and that is all quite right, but very often the victim is left to pick up the pieces with no support, or if they get any is is underfunded and time limited.

    We could do better, but then again we could all do better in virtually everything we can think of.

  2. Thanks Mainy!!!!!! Nice to see that some folks think for themselves ............ and realise the TRUTH of what`s going on!!!! As oppossed to the morons who believe all the tittle-tattle that they`re told!!!!!

  3. It gets old sometimes doesn't it Sandie.
    I've got a mate who is going through some stuff just now.
    From my point of view he's the innocent party, but for some reason, either ignorance or a hidden agenda, some want to side with those who would paint him as the bad cunt.
    Sort of the aggressor in a situation. The bully giving others a hard time.
    That the facts don't support how they paint him doesn't seem to matter.

    It's petty bullshit to an extent, but he's undeserving of having to deal with it.

  4. Is this about me.
    How the fuck do you know what goes on. Reading your crystal ball again.

  5. I could reply in a scathing manner to that AMC, but that wouldn't be helpful.
    I'll also refrain from pandering to your comment.
    Providing a soothing balm in response would be akin to providing a back handed get out of jail free card.

    First thing I should say is that I haven't mentioned any names in the update.
    So without your real name I couldn't deny or admit that it is specifically about you.
    However, does that matter?
    It's clear that you think it is about you.
    So you must recognize yourself, or aspects of your behaviour, in what has been said.
    With that being the case then I would say that you should take some time out and think about it.
    Do you lash out verbally at others with little provocation?
    Do you feel that people are conspiring against you?
    Is everyone in life either with you or against you?
    When true friends try to highlight that you may be wrong, and might need to reconsider how you react to situations, do you accept what they say, or instead do you drop them from your circle of friends and claim them to be on the side of your perceived enemies?
    Do you already have professional help, but can't link the reason for needing that to how you may stumble from one drama to another in life?

    Now it is entirely possible that you will read that and interpret it as a dig at you.
    Possible even an attack.
    It's not though.
    It's a series of questions that you should just ask yourself.
    I'm not even asking for a reply.
    Just that you rationally consider them, and see if anything strikes a chord with you.
    If one or more does then decide yourself what your next step should be.
    Hopefully it isn't one of doing nothing.

    You could be hurting others with your actions, and that's not really acceptable is it?

  6. Nice come back in lieu of accepting that you may have a problem.

    Do you actually realize how your comments are coming across?

    Do I need to be qualified as a doctor to state that those who carry the burden of the attention of those who are very obviously unwell should have some empathy and sympathy reserved for them?
    Anyone reading the blog update with a degree of clarity would realize that this is what it is about.

    Do I need to be a doctor to say that those who relentlessly alienate those around them, and fail to accept any responsibility for doing so, should seek help?
    It's for their benefit after all. Isn't it?

    I'm glad the update has annoyed you enough to respond as it means you are thinking about it.

  7. I spent 14 years with a person who claimed to suffer from depression....prescribed tablets but rarely took them.

    In the time I spent with the person, there was never any reference to friends from it's previous life before moving in with me in 1996, which did appear odd to me, but as we had three kids over the period, there was no need to delve into the person's past

    That person has alienated everyone they knew over the past 40 years of their life, including many of their good "friends" since moving to Ayrshire in 2001....many good honest people who went out of their way to help the person, but they decided to move on for whatever reason and leave the "friends" behind.

    There is a 2 year cycle prevalent in the person's need to "move on"....I don't know whether it is a good thing or not, but I can see the person losing the respect of the kids and current friends when the cycle kicks in again.

    Depression? Maybe, but more a serious insecurity in my honest opinion.

  8. I very often don't post the anonymous comments, but I appreciate that you didn't feel the need to specifically slander anyone and added to the comments in an honest and open manner.

    Your experience mirrors that of a few people I have known.
    It's like I've said. It's not that I think that we should withdraw help and dampen down any sympathy we feel for those who struggle with life, but just that we should consider the whole picture.
    There's children here, yourself and friends from the past who will all have to live with the consequences of this persons actions.

    It would be best if they could appreciate how difficult it is for those in their life and act on that, but as we both know the saying and doing are two different things.