Two interviews in the one day. You lucky buggers.
ElDiablo - I was looking at some of your tour dates and a lot of the off planet ones are in what most people would describe as rough sectors. What’s the worst planet you have played on and what was so bad about it?
Darth Elvis - Well you know baby when you play the Outer Rim you take your life in your own hands. We did a show on Mandalore and were lucky to leave in one piece. Our bass player at the time was a Twi'lek called Wormy and he bad mouthed a bounty hunter and found himself at the wrong end of a blaster. Lucky for us the Bounty Hunter played bass and has played with the band ever since.
Word of advice don't mess with our bass player!
Our next show is in The Moorings Bar in a little place called Aberdeen, Viva Mos Eisley. You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy. You must be cautious!
ElDiablo - Is it true that in your quest to take care of business in every corner of the galaxy that you have managed to get down and dirty with the females of just about every species there is?
Darth Elvis - Does an Ewok shit in the woods? The Dark King has lit his sabre in all manners of ladies, twi'leks (including Wormy's lady), Jedi, royalty You heard of Princess Leia? Well let me tell you, she ain't no princess!
I draw the line at wookies and anything with fur though!
ElDiablo - Why did you turn away from the dark side and embrace rock’n’roll.
Darth Elvis - It's the other way round man. When I first became famous in the 50’s and 60’s people said what I was doing with Gospel music was blasphemous. I took Gospel music and created rock n roll, people said it was the devil’s music. I guess those people were right to a degree, the music is evil. On August 16th 1977, I turned to the dark side of the force. I had Priscilla disintegrated, I found her lack of faith disturbing. I’m my own man now and I’ve come back to finish what I started.
ElDiablo - Can you tell us what happened that night on Dervwat when some Sith turned up at a show with forty storm troopers and were never heard of again?
Darth Elvis - God dang groupies follow us everywhere man. Sometimes these guys just disappear. If someone doubts the awesome power of the Dark King you know the King is going to drop his mic and force lighting those fools. Don't get me started on what I did to that Jar Jar Binks!
ElDiablo - There was a little problem with a paternity case a few years ago wasn‘t there?
Someone called Luke came out of the woodwork claiming to be your son. I don’t know if you were aware of this, but recently he’s been on Jerry Springer in the US and Jeremy Kyle here in the UK bad mouthing you as an absentee father. I know this will sound outrageous, but he even claims you cut his hand off. Would you be interested in doing a DNA test and putting this to rest once and for all?
Darth Elvis - If every farmboy in the galaxy got child support from the Dark King, I'd have to sell my Star Destroyer and the Grace Star!
If that bowl headed little excuse for a Jedi wants a paternity test, let him look me up and he'll see how difficult it is to wipe his ass with no hands!
ElDiablo - It looks like you’ve swapped one type of galaxy domination for another sort. What’s the more rewarding of the two. Legendary despot or legendary king of rock’n’roll?
Basically I guess what I want to know is do you miss anything about the old days?
Darth Elvis - The only thing I miss about the old days is my waistline! Hot dang kid, you gotta understand the power of the dark side! If someone overcooks your Tauntaun burger you force choke them! If someone dares to jump the dinner line on the Death Star you force throw them through a window!
It's easy to be me! The ladies love me and everyone else fears me! To get onstage baby as The Dark King and do what I do best, there isn't a feeling that comes close. I guess the biggest difference between my stage show then and now is I create my own pyrotechnics!
Do I miss the old days? No, not one god dang bit!
ElDiablo - You’re stepping down from the stadiums to do this bar gig in Aberdeen. Do you feel you need to get a bit closer, a bit more intimate with your audience. Were you losing the connection a bit when you went galaxy wide. I mean a bar with a couple of hundred humans in it is a far cry from the last tour where a date was beamed across the whole galaxy and was watched by over 67,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 sentient beings?
Darth Elvis - Even the Dark King has favours to repay. I promised Fudge the Hutt that I would return with the Tattoine Trio for a show after they supplied the Bounty Hunter to disintegrate Priscilla. The Hutt's are cashing in big time and the show will be on pay per view beamed across the Galaxy.
The Dark King is the outright winner as I get all the merchandise sales from the show and off the back of the broadcast. Foolish Hutt's!
ElDiablo - I was flicking through the inter-stellar book of records and I see that your “Live at Mos Eisley” album is the top selling album ever and it has also garnered more awards than any other album released since records began. Where do you keep all these awards and who dusts them? After you have had a few thousand doesn’t it become a bit boring getting them?
Darth Elvis - I got a small family of Ewoks that I get the stormtroopers to use to dust off my awards. Nothing shines a grammy like a wokling. I don't like award ceremonies, I tend to use impersonators to pose as me at these events. When you read headlines that the Dark King is dead it is always just another dead tribute artist.
You can't kill the Dark King!
ElDiablo - Sorry to bring this up, but you had a brother who died at birth. Do you think that the loss was something that you have still to deal with and subconsciously this has been why at times in the past you have been a bit of a nasty cunt. Please excuse me for getting all Freudian on yo ass?
Darth Elvis - Jesse would have been a great Sith! I feel his death has given me extra strength and made me more in tune with the dark side.
You may want to think about what you say to the Dark King or I will have to show you exactly what the dark side can do!
ElDiablo - Final question and then I’ll let you get back to whatever Dark Kings do to chill out.
You’ve been about a bit. Seen things that others haven’t seen and been places that no one else has been.
So what the story of it all? The big enchilada? What are we all doing here? I mean if anyone knows it must be you?
Darth Elvis - You are all here to witness the awesome power of the Dark King! My travels and performances have brought me closer to the force and I've seen and done things that you would never believe.
You are here to serve me...The Dark King of the Sith....the real ruler of the Galaxy!