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Monday, 31 March 2014

Just no. Honestly no. It's not even funny any more.

I don't have any guilty pleasures, and I shy away from musical snobbery.
After all what is music but a form of entertainment?
It is there to be enjoyed, and one persons poison could very well be another's nectar of the gods.
What is acid in the ears for one is a honeyed balm for another.
However there are exceptions to the rule and I don't mind admitting that releases that could very well be parodies, but are in reality not, twist my melons.
And celebrity endorsed compilations are most definitely not on my desert island discs list.
So it is with a overwhelming degree of distaste that today I discovered that the Joey Essex ''Essex Anthems' is in fact a real thing, and not just a sly satirical bite at the brain dead modern consumerist.

Note down the date folks as today is when the music really died.
Or at least suffered a blow that may well kill it off.
By the time we reach August the countryside will have to be set aside as landfill areas just to accommodate all these jewel cases that hold this ugly abortion of an idea.
Every town will have an Essex Anthems hill made of these that will rise so high that they will block out the sun leaving children growing up deficient of Vitamin D leading to middle aged rickets that will be rebranded as Joeys disease.

Grown men and women will fall weeping to the ground as perma-tanned oil slick haired white toothed erections in convertibles drive by pumping this noxious shite out from speakers that would be more suited to hanging around on the sides of a festival stage.

There will be no good that can come from this. No good at all.
Its release is the harbinger of doom.
It's Mother Earth telling us that our 'tea is oot' and Armageddon has started.
The clock is ticking as the four horsemen of the apocalypse, Death, Famine, War and Fuckin' Joey Essex are about to ride in to town and rape our ears before casting us all into the fiery pits of hell.
Pits of hell that we will gladly tumble into as we consider being roasted on spits forever as the better option when it could be an eternity of listening to 'Essex Anthems' on repeat instead.

Everyone involved in releasing this are most definitely misanthropes.
No one with an ounce of compassion for anyone else on this planet would consider doing such a hurtful, nasty and darkly negative thing.

It's just so wrong.
Its the dark matter of album releases.


  1. Hehehehe! Most enjoyable ...wonder what his anthems are??

  2. It could be worse. The Stereophonics could reform...oh wait...