Mike Read - Relax

It’s commonly known that most religions promote very similar stories from what are often just different angles.

However none of them mention the portent of doom that surely heralds the end of days that is ‘UKIP Calypso’ by Mike Read.

You would think that an all knowing deity would have at the very least given us a heads up about this truly horrific brain fart penned by a man who was once a DJ for the BBC in the seventies.

We have War (everywhere) Famine (South Sudan) Pestilence (Ebola) and Death (everywhere), but where is the mention of Mike Read?

Surely they could have squeezed him in?

Even if it was just to slip in something that wasn't an allegory, but instead embraced some plain speaking.

A bit of text that really couldn't be construed as anything other than what it was.

A firm mention of him in the bible would have offered a total mind-fuck of clarity to non believers like me.  

How could anyone argue with ‘I looked, and there before me was a pale horse! Its rider was named Death, and Hades was following close behind him. They were given power over a fourth of the earth to kill by sword, famine and plague, and by the wild beasts of the earth, and just behind him was Mike Read holding a download link to his song UKIP Calypso.’

Now if that was in Revelations, and it came to pass, then it would be a sure sign that we should all get our affairs in order.

Strangely enough that is also something that we should probably do if UKIP ever come to power to.

I have no idea if it is comedy genius or blind ignorance that a song promoting a party that has issues with immigration is done in a cod Jamaican accent, but I am going to lean closer to the latter.

I have a sneaky suspicion that at no point did this monumental faux pas even enter Mikes head.

Or maybe he knows exactly what he is doing and his next project will be to produce Jim Davidson reading Powell’s ‘rivers of blood’ speech using the voice of his Chalky character. (For anyone under forty you will have to Google that.)

Apparently he is now claiming it was a satirical joke.

People will have to be forgiven for missing the punch line as he isn't really known as a comedian.

In fact his previous crowning glory was an attempt to have the Frankie Goes to Hollywood hit ‘Relax’ banned.

Something that maybe, just maybe, possibly hinted at him being a future UKIP supporter perhaps?

Anyway, half way through listening to the oral offal I decided that I would not rip my ears off and make a vow to lead a life in a void of noise and instead soldier on to the end just in case it did finish with his saying he was joking.

He didn't though.

The funniest thing about this, and it’s only saving grace, is that I could very well imagine that it will be played at EDL/BNP meetings where low browed neanderthals will drunkenly challenge each other to dance under the limbo stick and that footage may be leaked to the world.

Here’s hoping.

It’s at this point that I would normally share the footage of the artist (loose description) that has just been mentioned, but instead just sit back and relax to this, and if anyone offers to play UKIP Calypso to you just respectfully decline and in return direct them to Frankie. 

Update -  Former BBC Radio 1 DJ Mike Read has requested a song he wrote in support of UKIP be withdrawn from sale following complaints it was racist.UKIP Calypso, performed with a mock Caribbean accent, sings the praises of party leader Nigel Farage.
"I am so sorry that the song unintentionally caused offence. It was never meant to, and I apologise unreservedly," Read said.
"I have told the record company to withdraw the single immediately." BBC 22/10/14