Talking helps.

Nation guidance councillor – First I would like to lay some ground rules.

The first is that you are both expected to respect each other. So no interruptions when the other is talking.

The other is that threats and aggressive behaviour of any sort will not be tolerated.

Are these rules acceptable to you both?

England - I am in agreement. The terms are absolutely fine by me.

Scotland – I have no problem in accepting the terms either.

Nation guidance councillor – So as is the norm when two nations are having some issues it is always best to go back to the beginning. How did your relationship begin?

England – Being neighbours we had a sort of love hate thing going on and that evolved into more love than hate until we decided we were better together than apart.

Scotland – That’s not really how I recall it. My memory is of a sort of arranged marriage that was arranged by people who were keen on us getting together as it was personally beneficial to them. I wasn’t really consulted on it.

England – This is all blatantly untrue. It was a happy occasion and I don’t recall any of this negativity being aired at the time.

Nation guidance councillor – Can you substantiate any of that Scotland?

Scotland – Well I can clearly remember Sir George Lockhart saying “the whole nation appears to be against the union” and Daniel Defoe who was hired by a Robert Harley to spy on me prior to us getting together said that “for every Scot in favour there are 99 against”, and if we want to talk about freedom of choice maybe we should mention the £20,000 that was used to secure support by way of bribes.

It certainly wasn’t the romantic walk in the park that was being described. Some English Rose tinted revisionism seems to have already crept in.

On the day it was implemented martial law had to be imposed.

England – Disgusting! And I resent the implication of revisionism.

Scotland - I apologise. My intent was not to imply revisionism, but to clearly state it.

Nation guidance councillor – Is this not simply an issue that should have been resolved many years ago?

Scotland – I agree, and if anyone had been listening maybe it would have been.

England – And there you go with the typical snide dig.

Scotland – And the typical response that doesn’t actually address the issue.

Nation guidance councillor – Okay then, can we explore this matter a bit as it does seem to be that you both set off on a journey together without putting your best foot forward?

England – It was normal for the time, and sitting here in the present we can all see that it wasn’t a positive start, but what can we do about the past?

Nation guidance councillor – That seems to be fair. What do you think Scotland?

Scotland - It’s very nice to hear an acceptance of wrongdoing for the first time, and I appreciate the effort, but it does seem a bit dismissive. When I hear England say that then to my ears it’s “get over it. It was ages ago”.

Nation guidance councillor – Okay then can we leave that to the side just now and can I ask how you have generally got on over the years?

England – We have taken a supportive paternal role on and looked after Scotland well. I’ve never been sure what the problem has been.

Scotland – That’s it there. A paternal role is all that has ever been acceptable. We are looked after. There’s never been any equality in the relationship and England doesn’t understand why anyone would want anything more than that.

I’ve given the Union ground breaking inventions, pushed at the boundaries of science, offered up a bountiful supply of natural resources and contributed to the man power required to build an empire that was the envy of the whole world.

Our shared history is awash with Scottish blood as we marched to the beat of an imperialistic drum and what have we had in return?

England – I have always credited you.

Scotland – From afar with cut glass goblets raised in comfortably warm rooms as those who did the hard work struggled through cold winters. That credit doesn’t educate the children, provide employment or keep the wolves away from the door.

Nation guidance councillor – You sound bitter Scotland.

Scotland – I am extremely bitter. We hadn’t been together for even fifty years and you banned the kilt and reinforced the disarming act.

England – Oh so innocent eh? You had damn Jacobites spoiling for a fight.

Scotland – Yes we did, and why not? No bits of paper signed truly reflected the will of the people. You were looking to subjugate us, to remove our identity to ensure an assimilation that suited you.

This is what you have never understood. We are not, and have never been English.

England – You have always hated me. Everything you says confirms it. How could we have a healthy relationship with that resentment being so fiercely clung to?

Scotland – You understand nothing. We don’t hate you. We just don’t want to be you.

England – You had the choice to leave in ’79.

Scotland – We had nearly 52% of the vote, but you stacked the deck so that it had to be 40% of the whole electorate. All of those who had registered but failed to vote counted as a no.

Nation guidance councillor – Is this true England?

England – I don’t remember.

Scotland – Aye right! Do you remember trying out the poll tax on me a year before everyone else? What about when you suppressed the information that if I was to go it alone that I had the money to do so?
Does anyone want to talk about oil? It’s the big black slick elephant in the room after all.

This relationship has been pretty much a one way street since the beginning and you have the cheek to think that given the option of throwing the towel in, or staying to be used until you break me, that I would be stupid to pick the former.

Nation guidance councillor – There’s a great deal been said there. How would you like to respond to that?

England – Oh well I suppose that my initial response to all of that would be to say that I accept we have had some differences, but that I still love you and I don’t want you to leave.

Scotland – No. I’m leaving.

England - Okay, but you know you can’t get by without me.

Scotland – We will see I suppose.

England – No one else would want you. You are old fat and ugly and everyone knows you have a drink problem.

Scotland – There you go. Do you see what I have to put up with?

Nice to nasty in what could be a record breaking time.

England – Fuck you Scotland. You won’t get a single pound from me.

Nation guidance councillor – Enough England! You know the ground rules.

England – Fuck the rules. Ask Iraq who writes the rules you sanctimonious bitch.

Nation guidance councillor – What’s the US got to do with this?

Scotland – I’m sorry but I’ve got a future to catch. Oops. I mean a bus.

England stands and storms out slamming the door.

Scotland - Same time next week for more of the same?

Nation guidance councillor – I have free space in my diary up until September.

Scotland – That’s all that will be required I expect. You fancy a drink? I'm meeting up with a few of the Scandinavian countries for cocktails, N Ireland are coming, their craic is always good. Wales will be there. Cornwall called of as they have some personal issues, but you are welcome to join us.

Nation guidance councillor - That would be nice, but due to having to keep it all professional I'll have to take a rain-check, but count me in for the party in September.