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Sunday, 8 January 2012

Little Fire, Alan Frew, Bob - Su Casa (05/01/12)

First gig of 2012 for me, and also for Su Casa in Ayr.
It's a quiet affair to.
Not so much hitting the new year with a bang, but more easing into it slowly.
Maybe Little Fire and Alan Frew were taking into consideration that some may still be nursing extended Hogmanay hangovers.
While I'm not one holding onto a cranium full of jumbled flashes of 'God did I really do/say that' I am thankful for the relaxed atmosphere.
I think as last year ended I was becoming a little jaded, maybe even burnt out with going to see bands and acts here there and everywhere.
So this reintroduction to live music was just what was needed to reignite my passion for seeing original artists perform.
This is the first time that I've seen Little Fire do an expanded set, and the first half is very nicely done.
Instead of a random selection of his original songs he instead introduced them in the order they had been written and added little insights as to how each was tied into a specific part of a relationship.
It's a well constructed and casually intimate way to reveal the material and with a bit of work it's a direction I think he should pursue.
The little revelations link the material together and allow the audience to feel more of a connection with the performance, and Jamie as a performer, than the simple run through of singing the songs.
Each time I see Jamie he confirms that he is a talented young man who is deserving of being on the cusp of some good things happening in 2012.
His second set was a mix of older material that he had dusted off with much of it being new to my ears.
It's rock solid, and over the course of the night it becomes obvious that he has a full albums worth of material that needs to be laid down in a studio and released to the public.
Alan Frew's sets were very different to Jamie's, but equally as entertaining.
There's a wealth of original material for him to play, and a few nuanced covers are slipped in that that fit in well with the flow of his performance.
As an introduction to him as a performer these two sets admirably do the job.
Previously I've only ever caught the tail end of a show and within the couple of songs I heard there was no originals.
So while I did enjoy what I had seen it didn't really convey how good he is as an original artists.
This time the full scope of his talents as a guitarist, singer and songwriter were on show and he effortlessly showed that the praise I've previously heard showered on him was well justified.
In fact I was so impressed that I jumped at the chance to pick up his album 'Go Easy' and I would thoroughly recommend it to anyone who appreciates well crafted songs delivered with a real sense of commitment to the material.
It's been said often recently, and with a negative tone, that Ayrshire is awash with singer/songwriters, and while this is true I could argue that the dearth of venues that can accommodate full electric bands has led to a local music scene that is top heavy with solo artists I honestly don't think people should grumble when it has led to artists as talented as Alan to flourish.
Apart from Little Fire and Alan playing we also got to see a member of the audience called Bob play.
There was something very basic about the songs he played, but I found myself quite taken by them.
The simplistic honesty that they were imbued with had a power and attraction that is difficult to convey, and they evocatively reminded me of the cadence of old folk songs that would be sung to children.
It's maybe not the sort of thing that many people would appreciate, but I think it carried it's own worth and in all honesty consider that there would be a niche market for this.
He finished with a gospel tune that was played in the same manner as his previous two songs and all in I'd say it was a pleasurable experience.
(Now someone is going to tell me that the first two songs aren't originals, but actual old folks songs I suppose)
So there we go.
First gig tucked under my belt and some solid foundations have been laid for the year ahead.

(Su Casa hosts a night of original artists every Thursday from 8pm till late. It's £5 entry, all ages are welcome and patrons can bring their own alcohol. Coffee, hot chocolate and cheesecake is for sale, and if you're lucky you might get some free natchos)

Saturday, 7 January 2012

2011 Gig list

I think I've missed a couple, but have at ye with this load of great nights out.
2012 here we come.

03/1/11 - Long Way Home/Eddy and the T-Bolts/Cajun (Kilmarnock)
21/1/11 - Dave Sharp/Tragic OHara/Jon Zip (Kilmarnock)
02/2/11 - Spear of Destiny/The Media Whores/The Red Eyes (Glasgow)
11/2/11 - Alan Bishop (Red Eyes Acoustic)/Barry & Munro/ Ross Gilchrist (Kilmarnock)
15/2/11 - My Chemical Romance /Blackout/Lost Alone (Glasgow)
25/2/11 - Let’s Tear This Damn Place Up!!! Lux Lives in Glasgow featuring : The Charles Randolph Rivers Slim Rhythm Revue / Acid Fascists / The Bastard Suits / The Kosher Pickles / The Bucky Rage / Filthy Little Secret / Louise McVey & The Cracks In the Concrete
26/2/11 - Farewell to Valhalla -Keiran Robinson, Taylor Buntain, Cal Murray, Deadlock, Mechanical Smile, Tragic O'Hara, Ross Gilchrist (Kilmarnock)
10/3/11 - Jinx Lennon/The Tango Rhum/Coco Bryce/Sophie Coyle (Ayr)
11/3/11 - The Levellers/The Wonderstuff (Glasgow)
18/3/11 - Glen Matlock and the Philistines/Tragic City Thieves/Filthy Little Secret/Zoe Lewis (Kilmarnock)
19/3/11 - Devilish Presley/Filthy Little Secret/Billy Liar/The Paraffins (Kilmarnock)
25/3/11 - Warrior Soul/Blood Drum/ForeverVoid/+1 (Glasgow)
29/3/11 - Kylie Minogue (Glasgow)
30/3/11 - Big Audio Dynamite/Rotten Hill Gang (Glasgow)
07/4/11 - Dave Sharp + 3 (Glasgow)
15/4/11 - Michael Monroe - Secret acoustic session (Glasgow)
15/4/11 - Michael Monroe (Glasgow)
15/4/11 - CD/EX, Johnny Reb, Steven Milne, Helsinki Seven (Glasgow)
24/4/11 - Eddy & the T-Bolts/Buzzbomb/Southpaw (Glasgow)
01/5/11 - Dan Sartain/The Two Tears/Charles Randolph Rivers' Slim Rhythm Revue (Glasgow)
04/5/11 - Ginger/Jackdaw4 (Glasgow)
11/5/11 - The Urban Voodoo Machine/Tragic City Thieves/Filthy Little Secret/Tragic OHara (Glasgow)
23/5/11 - Adam Ant/Jesse Rae/Dressing for Pleasure (Glasgow)
25/5/11 - The Alarm/The Last Republic (Glasgow)
27/5/11 - Junkmans Choir/Roscoe Vacant/KevBorracho/Cal Murray/The Paraffins/Ross Gilchrist (Kilmarnock)
12/6/11 - Phoenix Mayhem Punkfest - The Duel/The Red Eyes/Media Whores/Ana Trash and the Sociopaths/Skudpuppetz/The Liberty Club.
21/6/11 - LA Guns/Venrez/Tragic City Thieves (Glasgow)
26/6/11 - Homesick Aldo/Fatherson/La Fontaines (Kilmarnock)
30/6/11 - 13 Tombs (Glasgow)
8/7/11 - James Grant (Kilmarnock)
12/7/11 - Bad Religion/The Static Cult (Glasgow)
20-21/7/11 - The Wickerman Festival (Dumfries)
30/7/11 - A night of dirty laughs featuring Chris Forbes/Barry McDonald/Stuart Mitchell/Billy Kirkwood (Kilmarnock)
31/7/11 - Jam at the Dam (Ayr)
05/8/11 - Eddie Spaghetti/Charles Radolph Rivers Slim (Glasgow)
12/8/11 - Jackie Leven/Tragic OHara/Colin Hunter/Roscoe Vacant (Kilmarnock)
19/8/11 - Chris Helme/Homesick Aldo/The Girobabies/The Fear/Colour Cells/Matthew Scott (Kilmarnock)
20/8/11 - Dave Sharp/Homesick Aldo/Cal Murray/Ross Gilchrist (Kilmarnock)
25/8/11 - Face to Face/Shatterhand (Glasgow)
08/9/11 - Folks/The Sundancer/Rhiannon Garity/Matt Scott (Glasgow)
11/9/11 - Sound of Silence/Blackberry Jack/The Girobabies/Selective services/Vukovi (Troon)
15/9/11 - Shambles Miller/This Silent Forest/Celine Brooks/Pammi Quinn/James Fole/Little Fire (Ayr)
22/9/11 -Emma Forman/Little Fire/Taylor Buntain/Trusty and the Foe (Ayr)
23/9/11 - Fatherson/ThisFamilarSmile/Athos (Kilmarnock)
01/10/11 - Rose Parade (Glasgow)
06/10/11 - Brown Bear and the Bandits/Mechanical Smile/Athos/Trusty and the Foe/Sam Christison (Ayr)
08/10/11 - The Plimptons/Filthy Little Secret/Bandito Fleeto (Glasgow)
10/10/11 - Rhianna/Calvin Harris (Glasgow)
13/10/11 - Craig Martin Ward, Anna Sweeney, Sean and Robyn Gray, Folé , Tragic O'Hara and Little Fire (Ayr)
14/10/11 - Tragic OHara/Matt Scott/Masters of the Sea/Tailor Buntain/Nicky Smith (Kilmarnock)
16/10/11 - Matt Scott/Little Fire/Colin Hunter (Kilmarnock)
22/10/11 - Church of Confidence/Crashed Out/Fire Exit (Glasgow)
31/10/11 - Alice Cooper/New York Dolls (Glasgow)
03/11/11 - Ari (Rose Parade)/Mik Banner/macanta/Andy K/Terry King (Ayr)
06/11/11 - The Dark Shadows (Glasgow)
08/11/11 - Patrik Fitzgerald/Girobabies.San Fran and the Siscos/JIm Monaghan
10/11/11 - The Imagineers/Brown Bear and the Bandits/Jinx Lenon/Melisa Kelly/Ross Gilchrist/Sophie Coyle/Roscoe Vacant (Ayr)
11/11/11 - Jinx Lennon/The Girobabies/Roscoe Vacant and the Gantin Screichs (Kilmarnock)
13/11/11 - Ross Gilchrist/Ari (Rose Parade/Emma Forman/Anna Sweeney (Kilmarnock)
17/11/11 - Melisa Kelly/Fole/Matt Scott/Martin McLaughlan/Jamie Uchima/+1
25/11/11 - Jon Windle/MattScott/Andy K/Robbie McInnes/Logan and the La La Liars (Kilmarnock)
27/11/11 - Wednesday 13/Michael Monroe/CrashDiet (Glasgow)
06/12/11 - Steve Conte/Homesick Aldo/Christie Connor Vennel/Mademoiselle/Rank Berry (Glasgow)
08/12/11- Ginger Wildheart & Friends + 2 (Glasgow)
15/12/11 - Dykeenies/Jamie Keenan/Mechanical Smile/The Fear/Graeme's Minxy Tigers. (Kilmarnock)

Ethical gigs (Glasgow)

In my ongoing efforts to get a bit of a better deal for performers here is another enterprise that has started up in Glasgow by promoter Dochan MacMillan.

Paid gigs at the Free Candy Sessions for performers?
Yes, that's what we're going to be doing in 2012. As we move into our 9th year of staging gigs in a newly re-furbished venue, we've decided to open our nights to acts that can pull a crowd to make their own money.

As some of you know, the Liquid Ship sailed away in Oct 2011, since then at The Roxy171, we've been trying different formats of gigs. Free gigs, fee paid gigs and 'pay on the door/ticketed' gigs.

We've now decided on a mixture of free entry and ticketed gigs.
The format of the free gigs will remain the same as before
With the newly designed downstairs area at The Roxy, we have a new stage area, lighting system and the option to charge on the door.
The basic format of the paid gigs will be that the acts will take every penny collected at the door, nothing for the venue. Their will be no set price for a door charge, that will be up to the acts to decide for themselves
The venue will supply the room, PA, sound engineer and incorporate the gigs on the monthly listings/advertising and mail shots.
The acts will supply any backline needed and a person to collect the door money.

Regarding the capacity downstairs, we have 40 all seating or 50-60 standing/limited seating.
Its a simple concept, the acts get paid by taking all the door money, the venue takes the bar money and the punters enjoy a gig at a cracking wee venue for a reasonable door fee.
There's no hidden costs, no promoters cut, just a straight forward deal for acts to generate their own gig income.
If you're a performer and are a bit unsure if you can put on your own gig, we'll be there to help you through every step, all you need to do is be confident of bringing folk along to the gig.
We wont be taking block bookings from promoters, anyone doing ticket split deals or anything resembling 'pay to play', this is about a bit of much needed fairness on our local music scene.

So, please make sure you read the above carefully, the paid gigs are all about putting on a great night for everyone involved and that quite simply means everyone involved doing their bit to having a memorable night.

That means, if you are a performer interested in taking part, you need to bring folk along to watch you. This wont work otherwise, there's plenty of places in Glasgow you can roll in, play to an empty room or a full dis-interested room and then go home, that's not what we want to do.

We're open to all genres of music, all are welcome.
If this is of interest, we're taking bookings now for dates from 11th January 2012 onwards.

Please email bookings@brcrecords.co.uk for more info

The story so far

In my opinion - and it's an opinion shared by many - the best pub/bar in Kilmarnock is by far Jollys Sports bar.
While I'm not the sort that pops in for a pint every second day, or even every week, it is still my local.
It's a much loved oasis where I can kick back and relax with friends old and new, but more importantly for me it is the hub of the local music scene.
Others bars and small venues have put on bands and acts over the years, but Jollys (previously Dirty Martinis) has been the venue that constantly sets the benchmark.
It would be fair to say that music is a passion for the team that runs it, and not one promoter would be able to say that they have been less than welcomed with open arms by them.
From well known acts to young guns cutting their teeth live for the first time Jollys has been there to provide a stage for them all to show off their talents and entertain the locals.
Sadly the last year has been littered with bad luck for the bar.
Each issue they have faced could be filed away as 'sods law'.
There was a break in that left the pub damaged and the people who did it left the taps running and decimated the stock they had.
There's been necessary work needing done from sound proofing to wiring.
Then there's been issues with the utility providers, and now this week a second break in has seen them lose all their flat screens.
A painful blow for a sports bar.
Now, and I mean right now at this very minute, the people who own run it have some very difficult decisions to make.
All of the knock-backs that they have had have to be considered in the light of a failing economy, and realisticly the bastards who broke in and robbed them this week may well have delivered a knock out blow.
The bottom line is that Jollys could be no more.
If this is the case, and I hope it isn't, then Kilmarnock will have lost far more than a pub.
The local music scene will have lost its champion to.
Proof of how cherished the venue is came to me today from Tragic O'Hara, one of the artists who has played there many times, and who I have booked to play there at the end of this month as part of a 'Sunday Session' line up.
To quote him.
'I just wanted to say that from the Sunday Session that's coming up I want to donate my bit of the donations back to Jollys to try and help out a wee bit.'
I think that an artist freely saying that they want to donate anything they make from performing to the bar speaks volumes about the integrity of the venue.
Now in closing I'll add a little personal bit.
Chris, Dudge, Faither and the rest of the Jollys team are far more important than bricks and mortar.
So my thoughts are with them at this time and I sincerely hope that they do what is best for them and their families.
The Sunday Sessions will either go ahead in Jollys if it reopens, and if not then I will endevour to sort out an alternative venue, but if that is the case then people should note that there will be a very good chance that this will be the last session, or even gig, that I promote in Kilmarnock.
So with this in mind I'd like to say in local parlance to those who broke in, and may have hastened the bars demise, that I hope your next shite is a hedgehog.

This is by no means an exhaustive list of the bands and artists that I have booked to play in Jollys/Dirtys, and I apologize in advance for anyone missed, but I would like to thank you all.
Along with the bar you have provided us with some magical nights of entertainment.
Your efforts are appreciated.

The Hangmen (Newcastle)
Promises (Holland)
Murderburgers
Cal Murray
Hyperjax (Manchester)
Roscoe Vacant
Tragic City Thieves (Glasgow)
Filthy Little Secret (Glasgow)
Devilish Presley (London)
The Hold Up.
Jinx Lennon (Ireland)
Mike Peters (The Alarm/Big Country)
Dave Sharp (The Alarm)
Glen Matlock and the Philistines (Including members of Stereophonics)
Girobabies (Glasgow)
Junkmans Choir
Zoe Lewis
Little Fire
Tragic OHara
Matt Scott
Colin Hunter
Emma Forman
Anna Sweeney
Ross Gilchrist
The Zips (Glasgow)
The Snipes (Glasgow)
Chris Devotion (Glasgow)
Japanese Mafia
Variety Suite
Jon Zip (Glasgow)
Billy Liar
The Parrafins
Ari (of Rose Parade) (Glasgow/Ayr)
Homesick Aldo (Fife)
Alan Bishop (of the Red Eyes) (Glasgow)

Friday, 30 December 2011

Embarrassing Bodies.

I'm that age
I went to see the doctor a few weeks ago.
Not something I do normally.
I'm of that breed of man that could sever an arm and sit around thinking should I call for help?
Is it really that serious?
I wouldn't want to bother anyone with something so minor.
You see, I'm macho as fuck me.
Honestly, ask anyone.
If I had a lump in my scrotum it would have to be verging on the size and shape of a third testicle before I'd go to the doctors.
Stupid, I know, but most men will know where I'm coming from.

Anyway my point is that I'm not one of those fabled men that claim they're dying when they have a head cold. (Funnily enough I've never actually met one either, but I've heard plenty of woman talking about them.)
So now that I've cleared that up, and you know what sort of fella I am I'll get back to what I was going to say about visiting the doctors.
So there I was in the doctors and he mentioned that as I was of a certain age, had I considered visiting the well man clinic?
I said that the thought had never really crossed my mind to be honest.
He then went on to promote the whole thing, with prevention and education being so important, and it was really only a chat and the checking of blood pressure…………and the like. (remember that, "and the like")

Five minutes later I found myself in a room with one other guy.
This was a bit of a surprise as I was expecting a room full.
I had this image in my head of a bunch of guys sitting in a circle getting told to cut down on red meat and alcohol.
So where the fuck were they all?
Probably eating steaks and washing them down with large steins of beer I suppose.
So the actual reality was one guy sitting across the room with his back to me, and not much else.
The room wasn't even that fancy. You could best describe it as an upgraded broom closet.
After a couple of seconds he turned and said "Well man".
I thought he was making conversation and I said "yeah", to which he replied. "Well If you would like to drop your trousers and underwear we'll get you examined then"
The first thing that crossed my mind was "we".
Who the fuck was "we". There was only him in the room excluding me, and I didn't reckon I was qualified in examining myself.
Was this the royal 'we'?
Obviously as amateur examinations go I've got a frequent flyer badge, but I wasn't sure if my idea of an examination counted as the real thing.
A quick fondle, even a stroke.
It's not really classed as a medical examination as far as I'm aware.
In fact I think it's more commonly known as a wank.
Funnily enough though, for some strange reason I didn't even question the guy. I just went onto automatic pilot.
Lets be honest here, if a doctor or nurse asked you to do something you just do it.
It's conditioned into you.
Five seconds after the request I was standing there with my jeans and boxers (Pierre Cardin size medium for those who are interested. That will make it easier to paint a picture in your head) around my ankles with this guy crouched in front of me.
Everyone makes the jokes about trying hard (sic) not to get an erection when being examined by a foxy nurse. It's a stereotype thing that gets laughed about to hide the actual fact that most people are shitting themselves, but here I was, with a guy I've never met before fondling my scrotum. (roughly I may add.)
He never even offered to buy me a drink. There was no danger of anything rising to the occasion under these circumstances.
I just stood there.
I was frozen to the spot feeling his hand on me, and to be honest my penis was shrivelling at the thought of what was next.
It must have looked like the last rolo in the packet.
And then the door opened and a female nurse walked in, took one look at us and said "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TWO DOING"
No. I'm kidding that didn't happen at all, but while he was rolling my testicles in his hand one at a time, the thought that I hadn't checked for ID or even ask who he was did cross my mind.
Next he felt down the length of my penis, pinching it between thumb and forefinger using both his hands.
Meantime I was staring at the furthest uppermost corner of the room and concentrating really hard on nothing at all.
I heard him mutter "Well everything looks and feels fine. You can put everything back on now". I'm still not sure if he meant in a medical sense or he was simply giving a compliment, but I wasn't going to ask him to clarify it.

I think I was in shock after that, because I can't really remember anything else that happened, or even leaving the surgery.
I'm thinking of getting some of that regression hypnotherapy to unlock what happened. I wasn't sore anywhere. So I'm hoping I wasn't abused.
Well abused anymore than what I remember.
The end result was everything was fine it would seem, but in hindsight I can't help feeling that all I did was go in a room and get my tackle prodded and stared at by a stranger.
He didn't even tell me to cut down on red meat and alcohol.
I've never been so embarrassed in my whole life.

I've got another appointment for next week though. Maybe he'll stick his finger up my bum this time.

Manly bands for manly men. Part one.

Some French guy playing an immortal Scotsman once said "there can be only one".
I reckon that if he was talking about rock bands it would have to have been AC/DC he was referring to.
(Bon Scott era obviously)
If anyone wants to hear what testosterone sounds like, then just slip on any AC/DC track with Bon howling over it, and that's the sound nailed.
If you gave cavemen guitars then this is what you would get.
A noise that harkens back to a period when men who were in touch with their feminine sides were called poofs*.
It's the aural equivalent of clubbing a prospective partner over the head and dragging her home to look at your cave paintings while you take her from behind.
It's sex with no empathy for a partners needs.
It's all about pleasing yourself and then hitting the road to hunt down another conquest.
Yeah it's most definitely an outdated attitude, and it's certainly selfish, but who cares. (Joke)
It's a damn sight more honest an attitude than hiding behind the empathy mask.
(yes, your needs are important to me darling)

If we are really honest you could deconstruct a metro sexual male, peel back his sensitive nature, drag his inner being to the surface, and what you will find is a beer monster that wants to corrupt every woman to the accompaniment of "If you want blood, you got it".
Guys might lie about it, but that's just denial.
A bastard is lurking deep within us all.
There are two types of men I suppose. The ones that know who they are and hide the fact, and the ones that are so pussy whipped that they think their dicks are for pissing out of and nothing else.
So this is where AC/DC come in.
The perfect band for all men.
You can put the needle on the vinyl and let the mask slip and get comfy, or you can get your pussy whipped buddy around and use it to regress him to a more natural state of existence.
If you've a mate that has been taken over by a cult, then just kidnap the sad sack and lock him in a room with AC/DC blasting at his ass 24/7.
No need for someone to sit there and slowly remind him that his family love him and everyone misses him day in day out.
Just let AC/DC rip, and after a couple of days he'll step out of the room, ask for a beer and grope the first women walking past.
Even if it's your mother.
Problem solved.
That's what AC/DC are all about.
It's all unapologetic balls to the wall stuff. A mans band. The living it large and to hell with the consequences attitude to the fore.
Masters of their own destiny and their destiny is to party hard. Fuck yeah.
Bloody attractive aint it? That's because they appeal to something deep in men.
They are the kings of cock rock.
I will not be ashamed. I will stand tall and proud and shout "AC/DC, HELL YEAH".
And they play bagpipes to.
*No disrespect to the gay community here. You can listen to AC/DC as well

Aquaman V the wrinkly prunes

I've been trawling through some stuff of old and I'm posting them here (again) before the vanish into the ether.
More might come in the next few days if anyone is interested.

I went swimming this morning. To be accurate I went and splashed about in some water, but it was in a swimming pool.
It wasn't a health kick, or anything like that.
The reason is that I took my kids yesterday, and while they were in I sat in the spectators enclosure watching them.
Turned out that I was the only guy amongst loads of mothers who were there to watch their kids having swimming lessons.
After a while I felt very uncomfortable.
Probably just paranoia, but I doubt many men would have felt at ease.
I waved at my kids more than normal, even got them to come to the barrier to speak to me occasionally as well.
There was no real reason for this except I was wanting to reinforce the fact that I was also a parent, and not some pervert hanging around to watch all their children swimming about.
This was the catalyst for me to consider brushing up on my rather poor swimming skills, and the next time I could be splashing around with my kids instead of skulking poolside.
That was the idea anyway.
So with this intent I trundled of this morning, shorts and towel in hand.
I reckoned that I could get there and be in the pool for 9am and no one else would be about.
I'm not big on public swimming to be honest.
I don't like people staring as I'm fairly heavily tattooed.
I usually wear long sleeved tops to hide them and consider that I got them all for myself, and I'm not some freak show for public consumption.
The other thing is that when I said I was a poor swimmer I was really downplaying it a bit.
It's actually a scientific fact that I have the buoyancy of a brick.
Even when I do manage to float and get some forward momentum, I am then the cause of tsunami size waves that may be rather disconcerting to others.
So between the tats and my thrashing around like an aquatic epileptic I don't normally entertain anyone requesting that I go swimming.
That was all going to change this morning though.
I was going to start going a couple of times a week and once I was fairly competent and comfortable I would join my kids in the pool.
Funny how you have it all planned out in your head, and then the reality doesn't come close.
First, the pool wasn't that empty.
There was about twenty old women there.
No men, just women.
Secondly, the majority were all gliding back and forth with minimum effort.
You now the sort.
Fuckin' show offs that wiggle their toes and one finger and that's all the need to propel themselves through the water at about bloody ten knots.
Bastards.
I had thought that I would start off by looking for the shortest route and swim from one side to the other and see how many I could do.
No chance of that though.
The few women that weren't shooting through the water were floating in little huddles talking to each other.
They were dotted about everywhere and left no straight routes to swim…..and I can't turn.
WTF.
After a little while of standing at the side, and trying to push the air out from my shorts that had ballooned around my waist, I noticed the lifeguard looking at me.
It sort of flashed across my mind that he would be wondering why I wasn't swimming and had my hands under the water playing around with my shorts.
He probably thought I was Wayne Rooney looking to score with one of the OAPs.
So I decided I better take the plunge and start swimming, or as others call it, drowning in style.
I thrashed my way across to the other side and I was fucked.
Simple as that.
The amount of effort it took was phenomenal. It's not that I'm that unfit, but I just need to exert an outrageous amount of energy just to manage a few feet afloat.
There must be a trick to it, but I don't know it.
So by the time I was across I was exhausted, and I'm not sure how much water I had swallowed either.
I did this about five times and that was it.
I threw in the towel.
I'm not sure what I was going to die with first.
Embarrassment, or drowning.
Guess what time it was?
Just leaving twenty past nine.
I scurried away with my tail between my legs.
The whole morning was a disaster.
Well, that is if you describe thirty minutes all in as the whole morning.
I've decided that the role of spectator is far more my style and I may invest in a t-shirt that says I am not a paedophile for future visits to the pool.

Wednesday, 28 December 2011

The Banana Sessions playing Kilmarnock.

I recently had a conversation where I took the stance that quite a few people don't make much effort in life.
It was a general observation on something that I see daily.
People find themselves faced with an issue and the first thing they do is turn to someone else and expect them to solve the problem for them.
In doing this they are stagnating and losing the problem solving skills that we all need to have to get us from one day to the next.
When I was asked to elaborate I used myself as an example.
I'm not a journalist by any stretch of the imagination, but I do write.
I'm not a graphic artist but I mess about with images.
I'm not a promoter, but I put on gigs.
No one shows me how to do these things.
I just decide that this is what I want to do and then suss out how to do it.
Of course it's all pretty much amateur crap, but who cares.
Here's the sort of thing that I'm talking about.

Today a mate asked me if I could make him a small poster for a gig he is putting on and I said yes.
Then from that I thought I would try my hand at some simple animation.
I mean, why not?
It took me about half an hour.
The reason that I'm upping this as a blog entry is twofold.
One is that I want to help spread the word about the gig, and the other is that I hope someone somewhere decides I can do better than that........and does.
So go for it.
Create something.

Tuesday, 27 December 2011

Reflections.

The period between Christmas day and new years day appears to neatly take on the mantle of the watershed.
An elongated stretch of time where one year, while not having literally ended, has done in the minds of most of us.
It's a time for reflection, and an opportunity for the twelve months that have virtually past to be considered in hindsight.
For some they will wave goodbye to 2011 with a smile and tuck it away into the nostalgia bank for future reference as one of the good years.
For others 2012 will shine like the light at the end of the tunnel and they will leave 2011 in the rear view mirror with nary a backward glance.
For myself 2011 feels like it has had more than its twelve months squeezed into it.
Every single week seems to have been packed to bursting with one thing or another.
Most of my gadding about has provided me with many undoubtedly positive experiences that have enriched my life.
I have met so many people who previously didn't exist in my little world that it sort of boggles my mind to an extent.
Now each of them are firmly ensconced in my monkey sphere, and all are welcome.
Friendship enriches our lives far more than monetary gain ever could, and you can take that to the bank.
Well you can't actually take it to the bank, but you know what I mean, and even if you could I suspect that you wouldn't get as much back from them as your initial investment was worth.
That's also something that sort of sums up 2011, but I digress and therefore let's back to the point at hand, which is my year.
I couldn't close it without me saying thank you to my kids, my partner Kelly and her daughter Sophie for the love and support they give me.
There is a unique warmth to being cared for, and in caring for others.
I am a lucky man in this respect.
Unfortunately the flip side of the many positives is that when I consider how busy I have been I also have to accept that much of what I have done has been to little, or no, benefit to anyone.
Wasted moments are something that we can see very clearly in hindsight, but with a little more contemplation I could have avoided most of them by simply saying no more often than I have previously been apt to.
So in the forthcoming year I am going to do something about that, and hopefully in doing so become more constructive with my time.
That's a vague resolution there I suppose.
What I really would hope for is that in 2012 the things that I do that bring me most pleasure will also open some doors to a change in my life.
Maybe provide me with a different path to walk down.
Fingers crossed, but if nothing much transpires then I'll live with it and keep plodding along doing what I do.
Lastly I suppose I should add that I am well aware that over the course of the year I have ruffled a few feathers.
I'd like to take this opportunity not to apologize and to advise those with the ruffled feathers not to hold their breath while waiting on a sorry.
For me to extend an apology would really be saying that I am sorry for exercising my right to have an opinion and that's not going to happen.
Here's to 2012.
I hope that it provides everyone with what they deserve.

Sunday, 25 December 2011

Matt Scott

Matt Scott is playing King Tuts on the 11th Jan. £6 a ticket.
Message Matt at https://www.facebook.com/mattjamesscott for tickets.