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Sunday, 19 April 2015

Record Store Day 2015 - Breaking News.

This morning a group of specially trained accountants employed by an amalgamation of music industry parties emerged blinking and bleary eyed in the morning light from an office in Los Angeles and announced that Record Store Day 2015 had been an outstanding financial success.

Once the news broke the head of a major label was happy to confirm from a moet filled jacuzzi bath in his Hollywood home that this year they had sold more vinyl releases to people who don’t have a turntable than any year previously.
Jacqui Kissalot, pr to the mogul, who was in attendance wearing a shiny sequinned g-string coquettishly left untied on one hip, added that ‘since the news came in he just keeps screaming let’s party like it’s nineteen eighty four, but I don’t know what that was like as I was born in nineteen ninety nine, oh I mean six, ninety six.’

Over in the UK record store owners were equally ecstatic with one who would rather remain nameless going on record as saying that he had never seen so many people who didn't really like music that much visiting his shop.
The only downside in his opinion was the moral struggle he faced as he was in a quandary about whether he should do a runner with the cash made or use it to pay his staff and remain open for another month or two.

Meanwhile it wasn't all positive news as keen vinyl hoarder Thomas Bjork of Oslo admitted that he had failed to get the 180gram reissue of the reissue of the reissue of the reissue of Judas Priests ‘British Steel.
With tears in his eyes he complained bitterly that having the original on vinyl and all the subsequent reissues, plus the CDs and expanded legacy packs and the cassette from Cassette Store Day just wasn't enough, and there was a part of him that died when he was told that his local store only had one copy of the latest reissue and they were selling that on Ebay with a thousand percent mark up.

Similarly handle bar moustache model Stanley Even of Glasgow claimed that he didn't know how he could face the week ahead as he was unable to secure a copy of the remastered James Last ‘East meets West’ in Kremlin red and Washington Blue vinyl, or Herb Alpert’s Tijuana Brass classic ‘Sounds Tijuana’ with the scratch and sniff cover that when scratched and then sniffed evocatively revisited the smell of a charity shop circa 1990 with an extra limited run of twenty being specific to Red Cross charity outlets.
He admitted that he was currently considering legal action as he could factual prove that not being able to purchase these items had left his standing in community of movers and shakers who reside in the west end of Glasgow damaged beyond repair.
  

Less unhappy than the music lovers that had failed in securing their favourite acts releases were Ebay whose market shares rose by 12% as they cornered the market on Record Store Day releases.
In the early hours of this morning a financial advisor to the company mistakenly tweeted a private message that confirmed that in 2016 Ebay will be hosting a Post Record Store Day that starts on midnight of the official Record Store Day which caused a storm of protest and resulted in an official denial from the company as apparently the name of the event has not been decided on just yet.

Also in a jubilant mood was John Campbell of Edinburgh who was seen dancing in the streets after securing four albums by artists he didn't really know but had read could command a hefty profit when resold.
When asked if he thought that this was rather exploitative and not in the spirit of Record Store Day he laughed loudly and when he finally caught his breath said he couldn't give a shit.

2 comments:

  1. Oh my goodness! There's nothing quite like a post that brings a wee smile that develops into a hearty guffaw and then explodes into a full scale belly laugh that brings such pain I feel like I need to go to A & E! Thanks ....The James Last and Judas Priest bits sent me over the edge...almost as dramatic as The Edge falling off stage! Thanks buddy.

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